my fingernails are too long.

my toenails also.

firstly, i must stop being angry. (the cussing will go away with that.)
secondly, i am very thankful for friends.
thirdly, i have awesome music!!

it's an almost perverse pleasure to see what i predicted come out exactly the way i thought it'd be.

i feel like expelling everything out, but i can't.

ian is very happy
ian got 41 points
ian is getting a mac (and feeling awesomely guilty about it)
ian has 1.7k for ee
ian had a 3 hour nap today and feels on top of the world
ian has aching triceps

so there.

i have stuff stuck up my nose.

------

actually, yeah, i haven't gotten over my results.

life is making everybody snappy and what with all the stupid inundations of acronyms here and there (cas iop tok ia brb lol) i want to fly off in a ball of flames and lounge around watching my kadabra own all the gastlys/haunters at pokemon tower in lavender town

God will pull me through this, there's nothing He can't do, is there?

i'm amazed at the amount of courage i've actually mustered today, but it would really help if you'd reply, y'know, my mind is racing wildly and i wish i knew what you were thinking

english - 64% 5 points
chinese - 73% 6 points
econs - 73% 6 points
physics - 77% 7 points
math - 93% 7 points
music - 86% 7 points

you can now proceed to scold me.

gtg: "i expected you to do better, why didn't you top the level?" or something like that haha

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i remember i wrote in my last zhou ji last year that, in spite of all the things that've happened, the only thing we can do is to lift our head high, walk on, and not look back.

i wish i could practice what i preached.

OMG OMG JOHN WILLIAMS CONDUCTING ET SCORE HYPERVENTILATE HYPERVENTILATE HYPERVENTILATE

itzhak perlman is awesome too

so i was looking back at all the LJ posts i made this year, and most of them are emo and self-piteous and generally "look at me i'm so miserable come and cheer me up and sing me a song!" so i will clean up my act, i will not allow myself to descend into the whole quagmire of nonsense and spoil my whole life.

and i want to watch closer again, i'm looking at my LJ display pic and natalie portman just looks... heartwrenching.

yesterday patrick and i were looking through the chat logs we had on google talk one fine day during walrus' class last year, and marveled at how we've suddenly seemed to throw that life away and step into a new one. (as an aside, i have what looks like hardened bird droppings in my toenail. yuck.) and well patrick, cw and daryl - i want to hang out with you guys again, excuses like syf and slam and frets and random stuff that were valid for the past 6 months aren't anymore. and i miss all the potong pasir jaunts - it isn't the same walking to andre's house from the station as it was when i walked to cw's.

righto, this post is too long.

i am thankful for a lot of things, which is why i bought a gigantic stack of black paper from bintulu, but i haven't had the time to actually do them and i must get round to compiling a list of people to write cards for. after all, this year is my 17th, i shall give people cards instead of them giving me (and also, i get to remind them that they haven't gotten me a birthday present, hurrah!)

also, it seems that a lot of people remember my birthday but i cannot remember theirs. chris kng, for one. (i am terribly sorry, is it in the area of...september? october?)

i have been very emo the past few months, and i feel very dir4ectionless. of course, that has come hand in hand with a period of spiritual dryness, but after cell last week i feel better and i have regained my trust in myself and learnt to trust God again.

but that does not automatically give me immunity from these emo bouts, and it's not just because i'm the only gep in my clique now and all the people from my past are far far away.

sometimes i just need someone i can lean on (of course i know there's God! but i also want someone else, if you know what i mean) someone i can be fully comfortable with. which is why i'm glad for dre popping into my life for absolutely no reason at all, thanks.

i think that the more you think someone's done you wrong and harbour the whole bitterness and find it hard to forgive said person, the more you need forgiveness.


and anyway, the class has decided to have an outing right smack in the middle of guitar camp games. this is irony.

being serene and calm is harder than i thought, i actually have to make a conscious effort from descending into depression and anger

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery, how you gently lift me
When I am surrounded, your love carries me

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing

Your love is surprising, I can feel it rising
All the joy that's growing deep inside of me
Every time I see you, all your goodness shines through
And I can feel this God song, rising up in me

Yes, you make me sing
Lord, you make me sing, sing, sing
How you make me sing

kenny (kenneth?) thanked me for my initiative, and now we're not mutual ignorers anymore.

actually, i was expecting such a wonderful response, because i'd been feeling this urge for the past few days (ever since becca's sharing about the person whom we might not have liked) to clear the air and ask him what the problem between us was, but i didn't do it until today.

thank You, really.

see, this balances my emo post just now. hurray.

i could tell you that i was colourblind, or that i'm left handed, or that i have really big floppy elven ears, or that i got 39+3 points last year and missed 44 points by 3 marks, or that i've supported arsenal since i was eight, or that i play pool almost every night with patrick, or that i've been discriminated lots of times because i was gep, or that i got food poisoning when i was 6, or that my metabolism rate is really high, or that i can be really random, or that i can be a really good friend if you trust me, or that i give in/apologise too easily, or that i can be arrogant sometimes, or that i love playing the piano, or that i have a very acute sense of insecurity, or that sometimes i just sit on msn waiting for people to talk to me, or that i'm scared of being too aggressive when making friends, or that i'm really scared of rejection, or that i do homework in class and recess so i can slack at home, or that i'm always worried that i'm not living my life the way God wants me to, or that i'm scared my best friend's going to desert me for his year 5 class.

all you have to do is ask.

i was reading becca's twin sister's blog (i dont' know, it was a random blog hopping thing) and then i saw her talking about how her friends had already decided what she wanted to do but she didn't, and how the small voice of God is drowned out by the noise and humdrum of the world, telling you what to do.

it's scary being me because i'm whimsical and i always reach decisions at the last minute. i only had a few days to finally decide between chem and physics, and it was physics one day, chem the other (which really scared the shit out of me because i thought that both times, God was talking to me)

well, today as i retreated onto my bed to think of what to do, the thought that what i took for my subjects didn't matter to God suddenly came to me. so i happily went along with physics and chinese a2 (again, just hours before i was telling daryl that one should take chinese b instead) and i'm scared that i won't be able to cope, what with finishing at BLOODY SEVEN O CLOCK on tuesdays and thursdays and just as long day on monday, but i've done nine subjects and got a decent 80% average (or something like that). i don't say this because i'm eager to show off, but because i know that i'm able to handle the increased pressure, and i'll have God with me.

i haven't been updating this! okay i resolve to update more, but most of them'd be friends locked anyway.

letters scribbled furiously
on recycled paper, cut out into different shapes and sizes
frequent reminders not to forget us, with
bible verses taken from every corner possible.

people passing by; lives to move on with.
and of course, the magic word
that tries to encompass every imaginable emotion
but doesn't.